A Change of Heart

This post is hard for me, but it is important. I recently shared that my husband has decided to pursue graduate school, and that we are moving to another state to make that dream a reality.

I remember sitting, criss-cross-apple-sauce, on my bed one night in February of 2013. I must have been working on my computer or something... I can't remember exactly. I had remembered passing conversations where Matt had mentioned grad-school before, but I didn't think much of it any of those times. I actually had our life planned out already, and it did not include graduate school, and it definitely did not include leaving Houston, much less Texas. I remember that night, because it was the first night I cried about grad-school. I mean, the ugly kind of cry... sobs, really. Pretty selfish, huh? My sweet, gentle, but also very ambitious, love-of-my-life husband made his intentions about graduate school clear to me. He wanted more for our family than my little thought-up plan. And my reaction was to cry? I see now how selfish I was being, thinking about MY job, MY family, MY home, etc. But, his dream, I now know with all of my heart, was straight from God. I just needed a little quite a bit of convincing. The Lord took care of that, and I am so glad He did.

In January of 2014, I heard a song for the first time that I know God had planned for me to hear. "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong was that song. Since then, I have probably listened to it about 450 times. Each morning when I would get to school, I played a Christian Spotify station, and when this song would come on, I would just play it on repeat. Every time I listened to it, I felt God's presence and was calmed.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

When I listen to that verse, I know God knows what He is doing. It may sound silly to some people that I was so upset, but uprooting our life here in Houston was just not what I had planned. And, it was unknown, and I was unsure. It made me sad and scared.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

I was selfish, and I did not want to leave "home," but the Lord changed my heart. Who am I to think that God did not have a plan? I think God knew what he was doing when he brought together a boy who loved risk and a girl who liked to plan. I prayed a lot. Matt prayed a lot. He didn't want this to just be his adventure--he wanted it to be our adventure. Over time, my prayer changed from "Lord, change Matt's mind," to "Lord, change my heart." And He did. He absolutely did.

And so, more than two years since the process began, I am sitting here on my bed, criss-cross-apple-sauce, writing a blog post about it all. As I look around right now, I see bare walls, a lot of saran-wrapped furniture, and packed boxes for days, but what I feel is a lot of things. Anxiety? Of course. Fear? A little. But, I am so eager to start this adventure with my college-sweetheart. The Lord has taught me so many things since we got married in 2012, and I know He has a lot more to teach me.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

For now, though, I choose to fully enjoy this next chapter of our life as the Bormanns, and I promise to blog about it along the way!